watching the dam break
notes from a 24 hr digital residue cleanse
recently it’s felt like i’ve been forcing it, trying to make something so hard that i’m sort of just flailing in a lot of different directions, not really making it anywhere.
i’ve experimented with fasting from food some, and it feels like a reset in a way so i got the idea that maybe i should fast from screens. my phone, my computer, anything blasting that blue light. even decided against my kindle paperwhite too. i actually thought this was going to be tougher - and it was almost laughable to think after it was done that i thought this was going to be a challenge.
what i thought would be the most stressful part of this challenge would be the onslaught of thoughts i would obviously have without the distraction of media but surprisingly enough, after the first 10 minutes or so of this, something weird happened.
below i go further into that - everything in italics are things i actually wrote down about the experience and everything bolded under is commentary i wrote about the thoughts i had after, either to explain further or to give context into what i meant at the time.
standing to the side
the first part of this day, even though i don’t usually use my phone all that much in the morning, just knowing that i wasn’t going to, my thoughts flooded with songs or reels i had seen, and so clearly too. it was like standing off to the side watching a dam break.
i realized looking back that my head isn't actually empty when i'm "bored".. it’s just stuffed with this digital residue . like i’ve been carrying around months of muck and foreign importance .. i didn't have to do anything to clear it, i just had to stop adding to it and let it all tumble by.
reclaiming the “why”
the biggest surprise is not feeling too much urgency to hurry thru something or get to the next thing. it’s like...i feel the urgency and then, realize i feel it and ask “why”
i noticed that the "urgency" i usually feel is just a weird habit . i’ve been flailing in so many directions because i felt like i had to keep up with some schedule that i mostly just made up for myself .. once the screen was gone i could actually see the thoughts clearly and realize i didn't "have" to do the things i thought were so urgent.
curiously mundane
i keep noticing i expect to sit down and enjoy a show or something... expect some novelty with the combination of experiencing something that’s mundane or normal. it’s interesting because i really haven’t gone that long without screens at this point but already i find myself saying “i need more of this.”
i think i usually set the bar for "focus" so high that i just end up numbing out instead .. but i found this weird freedom in just being intentionally unproductive .. it wasn't about being "broken" .. it was just nice to do something that had value purely for me and no one else.
the gravity of being “useful”
i think i set the expectation for myself so high to focus so hard that a lot of times i just don’t even try.. or like. i don’t know, the word “break” comes to mind.
i’ve been thinking about this a lot since that day.. i have this huge value of wanting to be “useful” or “of use” to people.. but that pressure can get so heavy that i eventually just “break” under it. the “muck” isn’t necessarily just from the screens.. it’s from what i do to myself once i feel like i’m failing those high expectations. i end up flailing in a dozen directions or numbing out because facing the “work” feels like too much. but taking that day away from the noise made me realize that i’m the one who created these obligations in the first place.
coming back to the borders
i’ve had to face down some thoughts i don’t normally allow myself to think and stuff them down deep by process of numbing. while it might not feel good that these thoughts happen, it helps me realize that i am in control of what i think and how i think.
facing those thoughts without a screen to hide behind was a trip.. i realized they aren't even "real" in a way that can hurt me.. they’re just thoughts i’ve had before.. loops i’ve already walked through. once they were thought, they were just.. done. it’s wild how much power i gave them just by trying to avoid them.
i’ve used screens as a way to avoid facing my own process .. but without the "numbing" i felt almost high .. i started getting actually excited about the stuff i want to build and research .. it’s the difference between just consuming a story and actually wanting to go out and make one.
in closing
of all the things i did that day, reading and writing were the majority. i ended up (hand)writing around +1600 words, nearly more than the last 4 previous days combined and cumulatively read over 200 pages of about 5 different books.
ironically one of the books was an old book on the subject of chaos and the first chapter was on the butterfly effect.
the butterfly effect is this idea from chaos theory that tiny, seemingly insignificant shifts in how a system starts can lead to massive, unpredictable changes down the line.. it’s like how a tiny flap of a wing can eventually trigger a storm half a world away.. it just felt weird to read that and since never having or forseeing that i could, take a break from screens - it felt like this was it’s own “butterfly flapping it’s wings” inserted into my routine.
it is a slight random event, opposite of what i've been doing .. at first i thought it was for balance but it's not really that now.
while i’m not sure one day if this will cause the effect of a hurricane in my life later down the line, the longer the day went on the more i wondered what kind of effect, 3 days would have or a whole week of not using screens could do .. i feel like i can now feel the months of muck i have on me from social media and getting caught up in nothing
this is definitely something i want to make a regular practice moving forward - if not a whole day again at least parts of most days.
i think from this i will definitely try to read & write more (analogue & digitally) ..
(and to finish with something i wrote that day)
today's been good because i owed no one an explanation and i set out to achieve one thing and i did it .. and it was my thing. and it was for no one else. and it had value purely for me.
thanks for reading